Torn//Choices//Growing up.

(The bonded Tree by: Camilla D'errico)

Growing up is hard. Making tough choices is hard. Being torn between two different people, thoughts, emotions, is hard. Goign through this situation is going to change me for good. Right now I don't know how to feel or what to do. I'm so used to trying to make everyone happy. I would rather make others happy than myself. I can't make a choice between the two things I ant most in my life. And just to add to that I want to spend time with people I care about but Ican't because I feel other things are more important, But they don't. I don't think some people really understand what goes on in my head. I have one person telling me I'm dselfish and another telling me I try to hard to make eveyone else happy. Is It possible to be both? I'm so scatter brained that I can't even decide what i want to do with myself. You can't expect me to know what i want to do with my life. I'm only 17 and I haven't even started my senior year yet and I'm expected to know which school I want to go to. I'm also 17 and I can't even handle myself in a situation where I have to choose what I want. I don't even know what I really want. I can't stand up for myself. I'm naive and vulnerable always. I get distracted too easily and I don't pay enough attention to importeant things that I should be paying attention to. I have no excuses for myself. It just happens and I don't know why. I feel like I'm failing at life and I haven't even started it for real yet. How am I supposed to handle myself in life if I can't even handle the most important relationship I've ever had. It's because I DON'T KNOW. I never know anything. It's all because I can't even be real with people. I always have to put up this facade because I feel if I share my true feelings with someone, no matter who they might be, They're going to judge me. I care to much about what people think of me. I'm a fallower and I'll never lead. I want to change. I really do. But at this point I don't think anyone will believe me because my priorities have always been so out of whack. I want people to see me for who I truely am, but how am I supposed to do that when everythingI love makes people see me as lame or a square or a loser. I can't choose. I really don't think I can be torn like this anymore.